Back To School!

Yesterday I sent Duchess off to second grade. How did that happen? And Stitch is back, since her teacher mama is back at school too. That means it's time for a new semester around here! We still work on skills and do things over the summer, but it's much more relaxed and lazy and there's a lot of lying around and knocking over each other's block towers. We don't do official curriculum and schedule things by the clock.
We started our Very Hungry Caterpillar curriculum and so far we are all loving it. We'll be reading the book about 9 every morning for the next four weeks and then doing all our activities based around that. After just two days of reading it the girls are already saying "still HUNGRY!!" and looking in the kitchen area for apples and strawberries. I found a bulletin board set with all the pictures from the book and yesterday we all painted a section of huge caterpillar to put on the wall. I like the way our work area is looking so far.


Also new starting this week: Kanga and I went to the first half of a Love and Logic conference this past weekend. It's been really refreshing for both of us to have new strategies to deal with the little discipline issues that come up. The kids got it right away too. There's far less explaining with this program, which is a big change for me. I'm used to running commentary. "Okay, it's time to get off the sad wall. Do you remember why you were there? That's right, you were jumping on the couch, and that is not nice. We're not going to do that anymore, right?..." as their eyes glaze over....

With this, you sing the Uh Oh song. "UH OH! A little buckle chair time coming up for you now. How sad!" in this really sweet singsong-y voice. And that's it. You put them in the chair, on the wall, or whatever spot you have set up, and if they choose to be angry about that, it's fine. Once they're calm, they get two minutes of "recovery time" and you tell them, "you can get up and play with us as soon as you're ready to be sweet." When they get up, that's it. You don't talk about what the behavior was- the program says that kids have more sense than the family dog. :) They know good and well what they did.

We had some uh-oh time yesterday morning, and by the afternoon when we would sing UH OH, everybody would look around wide-eyed to see if who was the offending party. They're all smart. After about 30 seconds into her second time in the chair, Silvermist started saying, "I ready to be sweet!!" And she was.

The other part of the program is choices. Give as many as possible, as often as possible, and make sure you can live with whichever one they pick. Would you like Kix or Chex? In an orange bowl or a blue bowl? Big spoon or little spoon? Dry or with milk? Do you want to pour the milk or would you like me to do it? Ask questions and give them choices- let them figure out what is best without nagging or bossing all the time. Then when there's a safety issue or a big thing that you need, you can say, "hey, it's my turn to pick. I gave you so many choices today!" It's working well, but I think our husbands are having trouble with it- either that or they like to mock us. Or both. Kanga said her hubby passed Tigger off to her on Sunday and said, "Okay Tigger, are you going to puke on Mommy's shirt or Mommy's pants?" :) Ha.

Caterpillars, painting, choices, and UH OH. That pretty much makes up the next four weeks. I'm excited!!

Respectful Kids

I have tons of stuff I want to post- my camera is being uncooperative and so I haven't been able to put up a Friday Focus or our fingerpainting antics this week. In the meantime, here's some other stuff on my mind. :)

I get the babycenter emails every week on milestones and typical stuff, and I really love this latest one about respect. We work a LOT on respect around here- I think it's one of the most important things you can teach a small child. It doesn't magically appear when they go to school or get a job, and if they aren't modeled it, they aren't going to display it. Manners matter. Respect matters. Do you say please and thank you to your kids? Do they hear you being respectful to friends and family? Even if you think they're too young to understand, they're always listening and some of their first words are going to be things they've heard you say.

Although this email was based on three year olds, I think it works really well for kids even as young as the Pink Ladies (18 months- 2 years).

(ganked shamelessly from babycenter.com....)

What you can do

Demonstrate respectful behavior. "We don't generally give our children the kind of respect that we demand from them," says Jerry Wyckoff, a psychologist and the coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues. "We get confused because often, our upbringing makes us equate respect with fear. 'I really respected my father because I knew he'd hit me if ... ' That's not respect — that's fear." Instead, begin by listening. It can be hard to wait patiently for a preschooler to have her say, but it's worth it. Get down on her level, look her in the eye, and let her know you're interested in what she's telling you. It's the best way to teach her to listen to you just as carefully.

Teach polite responses. Your preschooler can show caring and respect for others through good manners. As soon as she can communicate verbally, she can learn to say "please" and "thank you." Explain that you'd rather help her when she's polite to you, and that you don't like it when she orders you around. Again, being respectful yourself works better than lecturing. Say "please" and "thank you" regularly to your preschooler (and others), and she'll learn that these words are part of normal communication, both within your family and in public.

Avoid overreacting. If your preschooler calls you a "stupid-head," try not to get upset (after all, you know you're not a stupid-head). A child who wants to provoke a reaction will endure almost any unpleasantness just to get a rise out of you. Instead, get face to face and say quietly but firmly, "We don't call each other names in our family." Then show her how to get what she wants by being respectful: "When you want me to play with you, just ask me nicely. Say, 'Daddy, I want you to come and have a tea party with me right now.'"

Expect disagreements. Life would be much easier if our kids always happily complied with our requests, but that's not human nature. Try to remember that when your preschooler won't do your bidding, she isn't trying to be disrespectful — she just has a different opinion.

Teach her that she'll fare better if she can learn to stop expressing herself disrespectfully ("You never take me to the park, you bad mommy!") and instead learns to put a positive spin on her requests ("Can we please go to the park after the grocery store?").

Set limits. "One of the best ways to demonstrate respect is to be both kind and firm in your discipline," says Nelsen. "Being kind shows respect for your child, and being firm shows respect for what needs to be done." So if your preschooler throws a fit in the supermarket, and none of your coping tactics work, what do you do? "Kindly but firmly take her out to the car, and sit and read a magazine until she's done," advises Nelsen. Then you can say calmly, "Now you're ready to try again," and return to the store. Gradually she'll learn that a temper tantrum doesn't alter the fact that the food shopping has to get done.

Talk it over later. Sometimes the best way to handle disrespectful behavior is to discuss it with your preschooler later, when you've both had a chance to cool off. You can validate her feelings and make your point by saying, "Honey, I could tell you were very upset. What do you think caused that? What ideas do you have to solve the problem? What would be a more respectful way to tell me how you're feeling?"

"If a child knows you're really curious about her thinking, it's amazing — she'll often come to the same conclusion you would," says Nelsen. "And children can do this from the time they're 4."

Praise respectful behavior. Reinforce your preschooler's impromptu displays of politeness as much as possible. But be specific. "The praise should describe the behavior in detail," Wyckoff emphasizes. "We tend to say, 'good girl,' 'good boy,' 'good job.'" Instead, say, "Thank you for saying please when you asked for a treat," or "Thank you for knocking before you came in." Be explicit, and your child will quickly learn that her efforts are worthwhile and appreciated.

I love the idea of being specific in the praise- it's a pet peeve of mine when I hear people say "be a good boy today..." My philosophy is that the child IS a good boy. Sometimes their behavior stinks real bad and needs serious adjustment, but I try never to tie the essence of good or bad into the behavior. You are NOT a bad boy. You're angry right now and we need to work on your attitude, but I know that you can choose to have good behavior...

Fabulous Article

I love me some Mary Poppins. I so wish she lived closer so I could see her setup and meet her daycare kids. I think her philosophies are awesome. This article hits it exactly right, I think. Check it out.

Bite Me.

Can I just go on record as saying that biting is my very least favorite of all the bad habits of toddlers? I would rather deal with just about anything else than that.

We haven't had a serial biter here in years. The last one was about five years ago and we ended up having to ask him to leave- his father even came to shadow him for the day and try to redirect him so it wouldn't happen. He was sitting IN HIS DADDY'S LAP and still leaned over and bit somebody on the face.

So. O'Malley just bit somebody. And I think he must have done it once last week too when I didn't catch him. And I can't fire him because he's my kid. Right now I want to though. I HATE BITING. I feel awful. Solitary confinement is imminent. A buckle chair on the sad wall. For a long time.

Loving To Fail

"An inventor is simply a person who doesn't take his education too seriously. You see, from the time a person is six years old until he graduates from college he has to take three or four examinations a year. If he flunks once, he is out. But an inventor is almost always failing. He tries and fails maybe a thousand times. If he succeeds once then he's in. These two things are diametrically opposite. We often say that the biggest job we have is to teach a newly hired employee how to fail intelligently. We have to train him to experiment over and over and to keep on trying and failing until he learns what will work."

— Charles Kettering

This quote was in my email this morning. I really, really love it. I think it's one of the absolute best things you can teach a kid. Yes, you're going to fail. In fact, you should do it a lot. Every single day, you should keep working, and have FUN trying to figure out how to make things better and faster and more efficient. And yes, you're going to STINK at some things the first time you try. That doesn't necessarily mean you need my help. Sometimes I'm not going to help you. (and that freaks some of them right out... you don't WANT to help me? I can't do it all by myself!) Yes you can. Depending on the kid, sometimes I explain that, and sometimes I just say I'm busy or I can't right now, and if you want it done right now, you'll need to figure it out.

Working through your frustration is good for you, and it's true that flunking in school sometimes sets us up for not wanting to try. I mean, nobody likes to fail. That's something I can't really do anything about. But at home? Work it through! Help less, ask questions and LISTEN to the answers, and your kids will surprise you.

I think as parents and caregivers we all tend to get into the pattern of helping our kids too much. Sometimes it's because oh my heavens they take SO LONG TO DO THINGS. It is easier to just do it for them, and it makes less mess for us to clean up afterwards.

Sometimes it's because mamas can be control freaks. We like for things to be done our way. Our way is the best way, and that means it's the only way it should be done. I have learned so much by sitting back and watching the way that kids choose to do stuff. Lots of times it doesn't get done the way I wanted it to. That matters in some things, but in others? It doesn't. It really doesn't. And it helps kids so much if I let go of my preconceived ideas in that areas. It still gets done. And they are doing it.

Talking them through a failure is something I'm still learning how to do. It's my conditioned response to leap in with the NO NO voice sometimes and go, "That's not the way that works! Oh my goodness you're going to hurt yourself/ break that/ whatever! Do it like this! NO! LIKE THIS! never mind, here, just let me do it...." And for me, that's a huge fail on several levels. It teaches them that I will step in and do it for them and so they can (okay, I'm not finding a better phrase than "half-ass it"... usually I don't like to cuss on the blog, but that's what they do). It also doesn't help me back off and let them learn. It doesn't allow them to fail in a safe way so that they can try again next time.

I find that the older they get, if I just call their name and get their attention, I can say things like, "I think if you do it that way you might drop it. Then you'll have a mess to clean up. (because yes, they will be cleaning that mess, not me.) Can you think of another way to do it that might be better?" Everybody stays calm and the kid gets to think about it himself and do it himself.

I also think we do it to ourselves while we raise kids. I have been working at trying to get my kid to drop a binky/ sleep through the night/ potty train for so long now! It doesn't happen easily or quickly and we get frustrated. This is the invention process. You get it right once and it works! True, what worked before may not work today, but if you start feeling like you've flunked out, it's not good for anybody.

Anyway. There are some thoughts for today. :) What can you add that I haven't thought of?

Attitude Adjustment

This morning with the big kids has been .... I hate to use the word "abysmal", but that's what springs to mind. There has been snarling, crying, snot, rolling around on the floor yelling, toy grabbing, and a few other lovely things. I remember days like this when I was teaching middle school and I am SO grateful to be where I am. Then, all I could do was assign them more work that they would likely refuse to do, all the while giving me dirty looks, and tomorrow when they walked in they would still be holding a grudge.

It's really wonderful to be able to say, "Honey, I need a hug. Would you come and hug me?" Because they all do, and most of the time it cuts off whatever yucky behavior is getting started. Then I say something like "You look like you feel grumpy. What can I do to make you feel happier?" For Sebastian, it was a Kleenex. Although he's still really annoyed that today is not his birthday, and he will cry if anybody mentions it, he's coming out of the funk. :)

Then I decided October 1 is plenty early enough for Christmas music. I pulled out my Target Sounds of the Season and a big handful of jingle bells, and we're grooving to Sleigh Ride as sung by the Spice Girls.

And just like that, my day is a little better already. In half an hour they won't remember, and tomorrow is still a whole day away. No grudges, no dirty looks. Way more snot, but that's a small price to pay.

Not Being the Enforcer

I love It's Not All Mary Poppins. She's been doing daycare for a lot longer than I have and she's got some fabulous tricks up her sleeve. Today's post, Better Parenting through Laziness, is an awesome idea. I find that this is happening to me multiple times a day- several of my angels are getting very big into tattling. I think her strategy is going to work well for at least one of them. Check it out- what do you think of her ideas?

New Book!

I'm a geek and new books really make me happy. Except I'm cheap and I can't believe bookstore prices. :) So I discovered Paperback Swap, which I adore. When I want a book, I just add it to my wish list, and eventually I'll get in the mail. Even if it takes a long time.

I've had a book on my wishlist since June 14, 2006 and I finally got it yesterday. I've read the preface and a couple of random paragraphs in the middle that caught my eye flipping through it, and I cannot wait to read the rest. It's Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood. I've heard a lot about the Love and Logic ideas but never actually read any of the books. The preface promises to give parents real, working, effective strategies for:

• Grocery store temper tantrums
• Bedtime battles
• Power struggles over eating
• Getting them to brush their teeth
• Potty training
• Whining and saying things like "No fair!" and "But why?"
• Kids who won't get ready on time in the mornings
• Sibling rivalry
• Getting them to pick up toys
• Temper tantrums and fits in restaurants
• Saying NO all the time
• Begging for toys or candy at the store
• Misbehaving at daycare, preschool, or kindergarten

Copyrighted book, directly copied that list, just so you know. But I'm excited about this! Holy cow! If I can get some strategies for even a few of those things my life will be a lot easier both at work and at home. I'll be glad to loan it out when I'm done if it works well. :)

The other thing I've gotten from it already that I knew in my head, but wasn't really doing:

KIDS LIKE CHOICES.

I know that, but the book went into great detail about how MUCH they like them, and that you should give them a choice as often as possible, especially about trivial things where you don't care one way or the other. Do you want to read this book on the couch or in bed? Should we wash your left hand or right hand first? If you let them choose a bunch of small things, they're placated much easier because they don't feel so railroaded.